When searching for something in my files, I found a lot of things from my creative writing course I took in college a few years ago. This one was inspired by my now husband. I remember this day so well, the terror, yet also resolve I felt as I mentally prepared to end things with him before they’d really had a chance to start. He had no idea the thoughts running through my head that day. Nearly 30 years later, I’m thankful I was wrong.
Broken Girl
I know what’s coming,
Or so I think.
Like all times before,
My expectations are the same
The moment his lips touch mine
Will signify the beginning of the end.
My stomach will roll,
My body tense,
Readying for flight.
Every nerve in my body
Instantly, violently retracting.
Revulsion.
Memories invading,
Of events I can’t forget.
And yet I’ll hold myself there,
Forcing myself to respond,
My lips moving as I urge them,
My tongue caressing his
If he seeks it out.
The infatuation I imagined
Will suddenly evaporate,
No trace of it left behind.
Was it ever real?
It doesn’t matter,
Because it was too weak
To combat the demons of my past.
After, I will force a smile,
As he ends his kiss,
I’ll pretend to feel what he expects,
Hoping my eyes won’t betray the lie.
Because he can’t know
That I’m broken,
That something’s wrong with me.
This is the way it always goes,
But still, I can’t stop myself.
Because I want it to be different.
I want him to be the one,
So I won’t have to be alone.
I brace myself for what’s next,
Prepared for what will be,
Readying the words
To make the break tomorrow.
There’s no reason to hope
My heart has lied before,
This time will be no different.
He comes close,
His warm breath caresses my face,
My mouth opens slightly in response.
Nothing seems to move,
My heart holds ready.
I breathe in,
His scent tickles my senses
In an unfamiliar way.
Tiny hairs raise in response.
His lips touch mine,
My breath stops,
He increases the pressure gently,
His arms wrapping around me,
Pulling me nearer,
Eyes close on their own,
Not squeezing shut as times before.
My heart leaps as never before.
Without knowing why or how,
I must be closer to him,
It’s all I can think,
All I can feel.
I want more.
I need more.
Euphoria.
Desire.
Completion.
Love.
It exists.
I’m not broken after all.
Broken Girl (Fabulism Version)
I know what’s coming,
Or so I think.
Like all times before,
My expectations are the same
The moment his lips touch mine
Will signify the beginning of the end.
My stomach will roll,
My body tense,
Readying for flight.
Every nerve in my body
Will instantly, violently, retract.
Revulsion.
Memories invading,
Unwanted hands touching
What’s not theirs to touch.
And yet I’ll hold myself there,
Forcing myself to respond,
Desperate for a different outcome.
My lips will move as I urge them,
My tongue caressing his
When he seeks it out.
The infatuation I imagined
Will suddenly evaporate,
No trace of it left behind.
Was it ever real?
It doesn’t matter,
Because it was too weak
And I’m meant to be alone.
After, I will force a smile,
As he ends his kiss,
I’ll pretend to feel what he expects,
Hoping my eyes won’t betray the lie.
Because he can’t know
That I’m broken,
That something’s wrong with me.
He’ll see only the desire he craves;
Believing in that moment he’s won me.
Until I fly away.
This is the way it always goes,
But still I can’t stop myself.
Because I want it to be different.
I need him to be the one,
I brace myself for what’s next,
Readying my hidden wings,
To make the flight away.
He doesn’t know what I am,
And thinks he’s won my love.
There’s no reason to hope
My heart has lied before,
This time will be no different.
He comes close,
His warm breath caresses my face,
My mouth opens slightly in response.
Everything goes still,
My heart holds ready.
I breathe in,
His scent tickles my senses
In a way I’ve never felt.
Tiny feathers raise in response.
His lips touch mine,
My breath stops,
He increases the pressure gently,
His wings wrapping around me.
How did I not see?
We are the same!
He envelops me,
My heart leaps as never before.
I must be closer to him,
It’s all I can think,
All I can feel.
I want more.
I need more.
Euphoria.
Desire.
Completion.
Love.
He exists.
I’m not alone after all
